I wrote this a long time ago. I like it, though it is a little naive and not the whole story. At the time it was just what I needed, to keep the fragile thread from snapping. I only shared it with a few then, but now I'll share it with all.
Just How Much
"The fact that you chose to love him speaks volumes...oceans...about him." -Natalia
Once upon a time there was a little girl whose parents loved her very much. They raised her as best they knew how and taught her to value love and to respect herself. Her father taught her to protect her heart and be patient while waiting for love. Because the girl was very young she did not at first understand these things, but as she grew she understood more and more that it was important to wait for God’s timing for romance.
As she grew older and older the little girl became more and more of what people call a “hopeless romantic.” She loved fairy tales where a lovely lady was swept up off her feet by a gallant knight. She loved the idea of a surprise, and even more loved the idea of a kiss. And she wanted her romance someday to be so very perfect—so she waited and did not give her heart away to the boys around her. She did not want a boy. She wanted a man. But before she could have a man she must become a woman, and she was still a girl.
Once, at a conference she heard a person talk about being the kind of person you would want to marry. The person talked about fishing. He said that you had to have the right kind of bait to catch a good fish. You couldn’t just fish with hot dogs and hope to catch a kingfish. He said that young men and ladies should spend time becoming the kind of person God wanted them to be before they tried to find the person God wanted them to be with. This made a lot of sense to the little girl, so she made a list of all the things she wanted in her prince. Then she began to try and cultivate those characteristics in herself.
Days passed, years passed, the little girl became a woman. Over the years, whenever she was tempted to give a part of her heart to someone she would look at her list and see if he was her prince charming. But all of the boys who desired to share her heart could not be prince charming, she easily crossed each one of them off with her list. There was never a boy that she could not dismiss.
One day, long in the future, she became friends with a man. He was unlike anyone she’d ever met before. He was kind, always thinking of others. He made her laugh so hard that her sides hurt. He made her smile. And she found herself wanting, as she had never wanted before, to love him wholeheartedly. She wanted to make him smile when he felt like crying. She wanted to serve him. She wanted to take him to all of her secret places and tell him all of her secrets. She wanted to give him her first kiss. She wanted to be completely unselfish. She wished only his happiness—even at the expense of her own. And so, the girl realized what it meant to be in love.
She took out her list and read it through. Half of her hoped that he would be easily dismissed as the others were—for her emotions and her heart were frightening as well as thrilling. For the first time ever she could not cross him off her list. There were still things she did not know about him and still uncertainties, but she could not bring herself to write him off; for the first time ever there was no reason to.
There was one complication which made the girl very frustrated with herself: her prince was pursuing another. But her love was such that it could not be selfish. She could not declare her love for him if she thought that it would hurt or confuse him. So she remained silent, though her heart longed to be fully his. She trusted her God and she loved the man enough to wait.
Time has a way of changing everything and, in time, the man’s pursuit of someone else ceased. But a part of him was broken because of the ending of that pursuit. The girl knew that timing was still not right for any sort of declaration. Her heart hurt for him, because she had seen his misery in the end of the pursuit and his pain when it ended. She resolved to be there for him no matter what. Knowing that she was putting her own heart on the line should nothing ever come of their friendship, still she resolved to love him wholeheartedly, to listen to his pain, to share his pain, to make him smile whenever she could.
They began to become better and better friends. She shared with him some part of her heart that she was afraid to. She took him to her secret place and played the song she’d written when her heart strained within her. But still she did not tell him. The time was still wrong. It was far too soon after the ending of his prior pursuit. And she desired that he would love her first, without hearing of her love for him.
Sometimes the girl would sit alone and think about the things they had done together, or things they had said. She remembered a time that they had taken a long car ride and played Truth or Dare without the dare part. He had asked her to describe the perfect man and the most romantic place. She laughed inside her head at the irony of those kinds of questions. She asked him what he would do with a million dollars. He said he would give it to his missionary parents. She asked what he would do if he had only five years left to live. He said he would help as many people as possible. Every time he answered a question the girl was more amazed and impressed.
Time continued to wind its way and there came a night of truth—the night of truth. She did not confess her love, but did confess to some amount of feelings for him. And her greatest fear, that this omission would drive him away, was calmed. It was the most vulnerable that she had been with any man, and, though he made clear that his intentions were purely friendship, she was only driven to love and respect him more.
As their friendship continued the little girl struggled with her unruly heart. Her love had gone beyond the bounds of friendship and longed to be loved in return. She knew that it could not be. She knew what his intentions were. She knew that his heart was not hers. But she longed that it would be. She looked into the future and hoped beyond hope. She prayed for the feelings to be taken away from her if they would never be fulfilled, but they only remained and grew stronger than ever.
One of the little girl’s best friends, named Springtime, had taught her several years before the value of just being with someone—sitting in silence, reading a book, listening to music, just being, just existing together. Their friendship had grown stronger because they were so comfortable with each other that they could just be together—there need not be any plans or activities. The girl reveled in the ability to just be, and she desired that she would find a man someday whom she could be that comfortable with.
As time progressed in her friendship with the man she realized that she had found that. Two of her favorite memories of their time together were memories of simply being: the first memory was sitting at a piano with the afternoon sun shining through stained glass windows onto them and playing a song they made up on the spot. The second memory was sitting on a couch with him and studying. He used her leg as a book-rest and they talked very little, just studied. She loved that. She loved just being with him. No worries. No inhibitions. No necessity of being anywhere or doing anything. –Just being together, with joy for no other reason except that he is him.
The little girl spent some time with God and realized that it was important for her to let go of her feelings for her friend. She spent a weekend of alone time and surrendered everything once again to her First Love. She felt at peace and, though she was nervous and stumbled over her words, thanked the man for making clear his intentions. He told her that it was a testament to her character that she didn’t take off then. She was surprised. The thought had never crossed her mind. “That’s not why I’m your friend” she told him. And they walked away from the conversation as dear friends. And her surrendered feelings, though at peace, still remained strong and deep.
It took time, but the little girl was asked time and again, bit by bit, to surrender her love for her friend. And, because her First Love will always be Jesus, she did surrender. She learned that often we must put our own desires to death for the sake of the greater things that Jesus has for us. It is when we put our selfishness to death that we find our hearts and spirits coming even more alive.
Through her love the little girl learned much. She learned to be selfless, to care more for someone else than for herself. She learned how to trust God in a deeper way than she ever had before. She learned how to stand rather than running away from or toward a relationship. She learned to wait. She learned to trust her friend and she learned to trust herself. And, finally, she learned to let go. She learned the measure of her own strength and her own love for Jesus—that she could set her own desires free, holding nothing back, for the sake of her First Love. And she was changed. Something inside her shifted and a woman emerged full of love and passion but also a gentler and more compassionate side than she had seen in herself before. Her empathy and love had grown in their capacities, and she became so many things that she longed to be.
Her journey was not complete, but another chapter was beginning. In each new beginning there is an ending, but this ending gave way to deeper life and deeper love—and for those things she was speechlessly grateful.
THE END
