Re-Defined Life

Bust Some Mutton

After driving for two hours, halfway convinced that I was lost, I ended up at the White Water Bar & Grill where, according to my uncle, all the cute rafter boys hang out on the back porch. I am all for that, but only agree that 2 of the 15 were attractive. And I could only stare briefly, as they were on their way out. Mostly I just gave full attention to a dog that someone had tied to their table.

It wasn't long before the fam arrived. The extended fam, that is. As my immediate family is all still on the east coast, preaching, spending time on a beach or hanging out with other college kids. It was the first time I had seen this part of the extended fam in years, almost seven years. Two kids I had only seen as, essentially, infants.

The next day, after food and catching up, we went to my very first rodeo. Intoxicatingly western and small town, it was held in Buena Vista. I felt like a kid--standing against the fence, white knuckled, as the bulls threw handsome young men, like ragdolls into the air. They stomped the scarecrow set up on the field, tried to stomp the clown and the cowboys, and were eventually roped by the two handsome horseback riders who oversaw each bull ride.

But, before all that, before wild broncos shook the fence and the overweight inhabitants in their "God was showing off when he made me" T-shirts got rowdy, there was something that I had never heard of before: Mutton Busting.

Apparently, Mutton Busting is a rodeo tradition, prepping the very young for their someday-careers as bronco riding champions. And this preparation happens on the back of a sheep. Children under 50 lbs can sign up and hang on for dear life as the sheep goes running as fast as it can through the rodeo arena. Tiny cowboy boots wrap partway around the wooly side and children go flying out behind the fuzzy bottom in a display of admirable awkwardness.

And the winner of the mutton busters was a little girl, 7 or so years old, wearing pink boots and a pink button up top that was tied around her waist and I remembered seeing her before the competition, when she turned to her mother and said,

"I'm gonna bust some mutton, mama."

And so she did.

Saturday: Here Comes the Groom

9:30 Wake up. Am having excellent hair day and decide not to shower.
9:31 don what Roommate #1 refers to as my "goddess-wear," but is actually a stretchy velvet blanket I like to tie around myself when I am too lazy to get dressed and do not want to subject Roommate #1 to nakedness.
9:50 Settle onto the couch with laptop, remotes and writing utensils to watch movie and do online to-do list items.
11:00 Make chicken with parmesan couscous for Roommate #1 and I.
12:01 watch Office episode with Dwight Shrute on exercise ball, while Roommate #1 blows up her exercise ball.
12:52 Walk time. Once around the park.
2:15 Back and getting ready for LL arrival and mall awesomeness.
3:00 Leave for mall. Lie to Victoria Secret staff in order to exchange online-purchased bra with one that actually fits, because am staunch believer that their policies of not returning online to stores, etc. are bad policies and very much hate them anyway, as their collections agency calls people at 6AM. #&^%#*%#. End Rant.
4:01 Talk about boys, leather bodices and LL trying on dresses.
4:31 Applaud LL while she is trying on dresses.
5:40 Back home. Flouncing around in various dresses.
5:51 LL gets points for matching underthings.
6:00 Hear the word seduction and leave room to determine what is happening.
6:20 Take photos with John (see photos)
6:22 R.E.S.P.E.C.T. singing, dancing and girl-powering
6:30 In the car, headed to the 9th door for tapas. Conversations include boys buying things for me, spandex diapers and LL’s desire to follow in the online-dating footsteps.
6:47 Composing first draft of LL’s online dating ad. Almost get Roommate #1 lost by not paying attention.
7:00 Tapas, wine and displays of our very different taste in men. Photographic evidence of LL and Roommate #1’s love of me for buying their dinner.
8:30 Off to Sullivan’s for martinis, chocolate and shameless staring at well-dressed men.
9:15 LL purchases drink for man at bar. Awesomeness level of evening increases.
9:19 Drink receiver stops at table to thank LL, flirt and touch her back. Lamely does not give a number.
10:00 Tall, genial gentleman from group of attractive men we have been shamelessly staring at approaches and asks for a favor. It is a bachelor party. Would all three of us ask the groom to dance? Certainly, we would. Roommate #1 takes photos while we dance around groom, who is shy and not dancing.
10:06 Overhear groom chastising friends, “you know I get nervous around hott girls.” Yeah, baby, that’s right.
10:08 LL, not ashamed of overhearing, tells groom he should not be nervous.
10:09 Bachelor party spends rest of night chatting alternately with our table.
12:00 Bachelor party, which was mostly nice and gentlemanly, has now consumed too much. Sexual innuendo begins and we excuse ourselves for the night.
12:05 “You girls are so fun. If I wasn’t seeing someone, I would date any one of you.” –Scott (our favorite, who was the original approacher)
12:10 Pay valet parking guys. Feel glamorous. Leave Sullivans.
12:59 Fall into dream-filled sleep that always accompanies consumption of vodka. Decide to give up martini drinking. Then decide that isn’t a realistic expectation.

How to Snag a Kingfish

Gg: My aunt and uncle gave me a list of places that rich men have drinks in Denver, so I thought you and I should do some covert creepy behavior involving shameless staring at men in bars...

LL: Score on staring at rich men at bars!  woohoo!! I'm ALL in. Your aunt and uncle MAY be the REASON I marry an insanely wealthy man... and to that I owe them a bottle of really expensive wine bought by my future husband's money ;)

Gg: You're only allowed to marry one if I can sun on your yacht.

LL: What if I marry LOTS of them?  Then you can sun on ALL of my yatchs.  who knows, maybe we could cruise through an arby's too :)

Gg: You should know that I plan on blogging this conversation. Because you are awesome.

Doomed From the Start

After a long strand of fun-making at the expense of my responders, tomorrow night is my first actual date from the ad. It'll be sushi and conversation and me wishing that he still had the beard from the picture.

I will offer to the readership that I'm already moderately leery. I mean, he's handsome and seemed interesting and knows how to spell big words like "you" and "using." But, in subsequent emails, there were a couple of red flags:

1. Suggested a vegetarian restaurant. A sign if there ever was one...because, how I feel about cows? I hate them. I would like to consume as many of them as possible before I die. Also, not a huge fan of the idea of, when we go to Africa, having my ostrich kabob barfed on or looked upon with disdain.

2. Has alluded to crazy partying and being a slob. If you are willing to joke about it early on, there's probably some truth in there. Like me. I joke about being mean early on, and look at all the sweet, darling things I write. See?

3. Is from Boulder. This, in large part, implies not showering and free love and other hippie-esque behavioral problems. (I see you, little Boulderite, writing your hate mail--but I also know you won't finish it, cause your roommate wants you to join in the hookah party).

So, I'm not going to count too many chickens. Or too many eggs. I'm just going to eat free sushi. And be amused. Surely amused.

Oh Good...

yes

Dear Yes-Man,

No.

Love,

gg

P.S. you look like Michael, the one-eyed Other from Lost. Good job.

Just in Case You Thought "Boulder" and "Holy Roller" Belong Together

Good evening,
just got back from Apogaea this last weekend, the Colorado Regional Burning Man. Very good times but super tired now :) Kinda bored now since all that excitement and then back to reality.
I like hoop dancing too and poi spinning.

Top 20 things about me or just interests (yes, very random are some)
1. I am an active guy who lives healthy but not a fanatic about it.
2. I love Colorado outdoors - I enjoy hiking, cycling (road and mtn), snowshoeing, would try snowboarding, backpacking, camping (car, etc).
3. I have a degree in Kinesiology.
4.Two person tent.   Snugglie but with some room.
I like loop type hikes too.
5. I work with a summer camp for teenager with developmental disabilities. I love it.
6. I have my own place so running around naked, whatever, no problem.
7. I enjoy cooking too. My specialty is more Asian to Thai style. I love baking too. I have a killer Chocolate Fudge Chambord Cheesecake.
8. I know how to get dressed up too and might turn heads too. ;)
9. I enjoy live music and movies (love my movies) and never turn down going to an art gallery.
10. I love having someone coming along and meeting my friends. Like to go cruising on the cruiser bikes? I have 3 of them.
11. Love random and even spontaneous trips to some remote mtn town, discovering those hidden treasures.
12. I am generous too.
13. I will always try things once, just to see what it is like. I am adventurous.
14. I am not a holy roller nor do I try to enforce my views and beliefs upon another.
15. I can be fun, goofy, love to play.
16. Enjoy laughing and having one of those sessions where you basically start laughing so hard, we both fall on the ground giggling.
17. I am very affectionate and intimate. I can be sensual, slightly kinky. I am no prude.
18. I don't rush things. Enjoy the moments.
19. A good relationship does require communication, listening not just hearing what the other partner has to say. Honesty and trust, those are essential too.
20. Yes, it is exactly 20 things. Love it!
I am 5' 6", 137Ibs, blonde hair and blue eyed athletic cute guy. I am 38 yrs old with my young looks and personality.
I attached my photo too.
I live in the Boulder area.
Maybe I will talk to you soon,
SG

Dear LongAssEntryGuyWhoDidn’tReadtheAdInTheFirstPlace:

1. I do not date serial killers. Consider getting a more deceptive photograph, without the evil eyes and large amount of hair tufts escaping from the top part of your shirt.
2. I do not date illiterate men. Learn to read, paying particular attention to the part of my ad where I specify age.
3. I do not date men who use the phrase “holy roller” or call themselves kinky in an introductory email. Enough said.
4. Though I did almost consider you after reading number six. I always like to hear about stuff like that in the first email. Cheers.

But we all understand in part. I mean, you are living in the statistically whitest, most androgynous city in America; of course you have issues.

Love,

Gg

Email Feats of Great Genius

Hello,

I ran into your ad and thought I would reply.  You didn't specified what type of guy you were looking for so I don't know if you are interested in a Asian guy.  If you don't, then its alright with me.  People have different taste.  If you do, I would consider myself a great catch.  I am single, with a good career, no kids, and have never been married.  I am the type of person who enjoy meet new people and doing new things.  I would never said no to doing anything once. If you would like to know more about me, please feel free to write back and I will tell you more about myself.  I hope to hear from you soon.

Dear No-Picture:

Oh, but I did specify the type of guy I want. Interesting and with a picture.

But, alas, that was too hard.

Gg

----------------------------------

Hey Gg,

I'm on the higher end of your age requirement, however the rest is
spot on.  I love my bike, being outside, cooking fancy meals, useing
my spell-checker, and I hardly ever flip off the camera.  Do you go
out a lot?  What else are you into?

-R

Dear R,

Useing your spell-checker, eh? Good times.

Gg

------------------------------------

Here is a pic, although I'm not interested in dating you. Just wondering what it is you write? Thanks...

-Ch

Dear Ch,

Oh no! But I’m so interested in dating you! The unexplanatory email…the picture of you looking bored…god, that’s sexy!

Gg

Impressive

Hi I read your ad on CL, nice ring from Asia I like to know you, I'm nice perosn fun I dont like smoke that no no lol well I hope u like mic pic I send to you, talk to later

T

Wow.

Questions & Answers

how to convince someone u are the guy to make them genuinely happy? well in short im the kind of person that will break there back for a smile and/or a laugh. im not a freak or a guy who wants u know what, i want to see me wit u talking about what ever comes to mind  , does that make sence? im 6'2, light skin,160 lbs i like art, concerts and coffeeshop if u think we could make good freinds reply to this msg  and please dont tell me to go to such and such and make a profile please... well how did i do?

Dear Glow-worm:

To answer your first question:
1. You should definitely send said person badly photoshop-ed photographs of you with a glowing over-contrasty face or photographs of you smoking a bong. Awesome…makes me all hot and bothered.
2. Don’t use your spellcheck and do use “u” in place of you.

Oh, wait, you already did all that. On the right track then, carry on!

Love,

Gg

Ukulele Playing Physicist

Hi.

So I'm curious: what do you write? I've got an idea for a novel that I've been picking away at for months but which I haven't really had enough time for. It'd be nice to meet someone who's actually producing some kind of output... I used to have a column for the local paper but they couldn't pay me so I had to stop. Writing about factual matters was pretty easy, but I'm finding creative writing somewhat more difficult.

I have more success playing music (I play piano well and am learning ukulele). And I can do a bunch of amusing things like juggling and other circus tricks I won't mention because I'd rather they be a surprise at some point. Apart from that, I work part time in a geochemistry lab and part time as a tutor in all sorts of dry things like physics and math. It's summer now though so tutoring business is rather slow... plenty of time to go out and meet new people.

I have nothing to say about this reply, except that it is awesome that you do physics and play ukulele. What is more awesome is that this is the second email I have gotten that involved a ukulele. And, this is a good example of a response that isn't stupid or full of faux pas, but that didn't quite inspire me to respond. Note the middle ground, gentleman. And, note that I don't make fun of all, or even most, of the responses I get. Many are just deleted because I cannot date all of you and I kind of already have a thing for last week's date.

This, however, is a good illustration of that middle ground. Interesting enough to catch my attention, but not enough common ground to inspire my response.

Gigi