Re-Defined Life

On Church: Backward to Go Forward

My sister asked me recently what my current thoughts are on church. Because I used to go all the time. Be so involved. And then, for a while, I was disgusted, driven away, appalled at their behavior.

And, so, it's a good question. And I think I'll post you my answer to her.

My thoughts on church.

Are two-fold.

1.I think that in large part, the church isn't doing what it was created to do. When the church started it was people coming over to someone's house to eat and drink and talk about Jesus. The Bible says that the church "had favor" with people--they liked it because it was about redemption and love and community. Not just about ritual and fluff and getting lost in a crowd. I feel like the church today (most churches, not all) gets it wrong. It's not about community and love and seeking God. It becomes about programs and people just listening to what someone else has to say. It's flyffy churchianity instead of deep seeking of love and truth. The early church read the Bible for themselves. Prayed. Were real, inviting instead of judging. Loving instead of ignoring.

2. I think there's still hope. I think there's still people who love Jesus and love people. Who understand that life is a competition to see who can get to heaven first. Paul said he'd go to hell for the sake of the people he was preaching to. How many Christians do you know that would say that? I hope that there's more than we think.

I really love the house-church I've been going to. It's all artists and people who are widely varied. I feel that they're trying to get back to what it's supposed to be: community that encourages us to love God and love others. Above all else.

Recently I was lent a Rob Bell book, Velvet Elvis, which Scottie P. recommended to me. In the book Rob Bell talks about needing to re-evaluate our doctrine year by year and change it to accommodate our changing culture/lives.

I disagree vehemently with his statement.

While I do agree that evaluation is necessary year by year, I think it's necessary to get us back to where we are supposed to be. Back. Not forward. Because people needing community, needing love, needing to hang out and eat together, needing prayer, needing Truth--that's unchanging. And they had it right in the first place.

So what's the goal of church? What's supposed to be the point? What was the real New Testament church like?

Then those who gladly received his word were baptized; and that day about three thousand souls were added to them. And they continued steadfastly in the apostles' doctrine and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and in prayers. Then fear came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were done through the apostles. Now all who believed were together, and had all things in common, and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need. So continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they ate their food with gladness and simplicity of heart, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to the church daily those who were being saved. -Acts 2:41-47

We have to go back to go forward here. In part, it's about undoing the hurt that's been done.

The Snapping of a Thread: On Trust

You never know how much you have your heart set on something until you feel it slipping away.

No matter how much I tell myself to be content in all things; I am not.

Not to say that I'm currently discontent with life. Not at all. I'm still grateful. I am working in the industry that I've wanted. I'm coming back to truths I knew and was afraid of. I'm living in a quieter, more residential area. Having dinner parties. Watching the Office with Emily in the evenings and eating pumpkin bread and french toast. Going to the Tapestry Community. Loving the people there. Loving the truth there. Finding myself again.

But I'm also feeling slightly out of my own control. I'm afraid of repeating the TEW incidents. (I'm sorry that there is a vagueness to this, I feel that it merits so much explanation that it would be impossible in an entry. Rather, if you are confused, you'll just have to piece all these entries together into my puzzling nature and life).

It isn't that I'm afraid to love. Not so: MV taught me not to fear that any longer. But I am afraid of repeating my mistakes. I am afraid of not being loved. Which is what happened before. In so many contexts, not just romantic.

I don't want to be guarded. I want to be genuine. I want to love with the full knowledge of how much I've been hurt and that it very well may come to that again.

Tonight I prayed something that was very familiar. And it jolted me, brought back old ghosts that I've laid to rest. For a moment. It was a prayer from a time in my life that I was trusting God not to let the tiny thread that was holding my life together snap completely. But, snap it did.

Snap, it did.

There is a duality in me now. A still-trust that somewhat baffles me. And a trembling that comes with that trust, because I fear it. I fear that my trust will still end with the snapping of a thread. A sound barely audible, that screams loud in my ears. Still I will trust. In the unseen. Because my perception of failure is skewed. And trusting is far far better than not.

I know, because I've walked miles in a variety of shoes. Including the trustless ones.

Not trusting. Not trusting people or God or yourself. That's one of the most exhausting and demoralizing things you can do to yourself.

You'll be hurt. Surely. If you trust.

But you'll hurt yourself much deeper if you don't.

Jennisms Revived

A walk down the Jennism memory lane...

on the youth of the body
Jenn: He's 32
Amanda: oohhhh, I love men in their thirties
Jenn: Yeah...I love men who are 21. They don't have any appeal until you are ten years older than them.

on working with your body
Jenn regarding babies & age: You hit thirty and your body is like "I don't care what you think...I'm having one...I'll kill you if we don't."

on dealing with your body
"Everytime I look up hot flashes they talk about menopause. Aren't there other ways to have hot flashes? Do I have menopause? If I have menopause I'm going to lose it. Lose it." -Jenn

on lending a hand
Jenn: I'm realizing it's a bad idea to date guys in their thirties. I mean...why are they still single?
Amanda: But guys in their twenties suck.
Jenn: Yeah, but you get one then and take them by the hand through their suckiness and into the nice thirties.

on little people
"I've been around kids when they don't listen...it makes you want to die." -jenn

on eharmony dot com
Jenn composing a first email to an internet boy: Do you travel? Do you speak english fluently? How do you like Argentina? Is it cold there? Are you wearing a winter coat? -Jenn

on morality
"Stop being a nice girl and going to church and go watch your horrifying tv show!" -Jenn

on straightman cohabitation
Jenn: It must be different when its two guys living together...
Amanda: Yeah, they wouldn't even know each other was there. Like, "there's another person here? I thought that that pile of junk was moving because my three week old hamburger was growing things..."
Jenn: Boys are so gross.

on approaching the opposite sex
Jenn: I was thinking about a new plan to pick up men.
Amanda: mmhmm
Jenn: When I see one in the gym I could go up to him and say "Man, you're in great shape! How'd you get in such great shape?"
Amanda: Ahahahah, that would totally work! You should. Oh, please Jenn do!
Jenn: I can't
Amanda: Yeah, you'd freeze up and start giggling halfway through
Jenn: Yeah...I'd just run up and hand him a note..."here's a note...this is how I feel...you're sexy..."

on storytelling
"A bad memory is great for storytelling...it's like...hey, this one time I learned this thing about this place...yeah...I don't really remember what it was though.--I'm so awesome."

on superbowl commercials 2007
Next thing you know they'll have commercials that are just porn...people having sex in the background and in the foreground it'll say "brought to you by Motorola"

on household chores
"So, I don't take the garbage out on my way out the door, because I have my keys in my hand. But my brother was yelling at me to take it out. So I took the garbage out and guess what I threw down the garbage chute? ...Not the garbage."

on dating foreign men
"I felt like we were teenagers again. He was so cute and we held hands all the time...and so what if we didn't have anything to talk about...and every conversation ends abruptly with akward silence...like being back in high school...yeah"

I definitely miss this. Jenn, please move to Colorado.

Agape: To Love Much

"Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little."                                                            -Luke 7:47

 

In truth, it's been a good long while since I've read the Bible at any length. It isn't because I stopped liking it, by any means. Even in my rebellion and my broken heart, I never hated the Bible or Jesus. Just maybe the church. And doctrine--particularly of the false persuasion. I never hated God either--how could I?--but I was afraid of Him for a long time.

It's like someone said at the house church last week. "God isn't safe, but He's good." And sometimes it's hard to believe the second part of that. But that doesn't make it false.

The reason I posted this quote is that it's been on my mind. Despite a lack of reading in the past year or so, when you write those words on your heart--in your very soul--they don't dissappear. They don't cease. And, so this has been in my heart this month. Almost every day, stealing into my mind as I drive to work and watch the sunrise over the mountains or as I listen to someone talk at the house-church. Or as I'm cooking with Holly and Erik. Singing a song. Just laying in bed at night.

It's always accompanied by awe. As awe is the only appropriate way to describe what I am feeling this month. Awe that when I'd ceased hoping for miracles, mine came. Awe that God doesn't fit the boxes we've made for Him with our expectations. Awe that the things I've longed for can be mine. And, even moreso, awe  that no matter how much I ignored God, I can still be changed.

I feel awe-struck daily. I feel grateful. A kind of gratefulness I'd never before felt. The kind of gratefulness that comes from not taking redemption for granted. From not feeling like you deserve goodness. But knowing that there is goodness nonetheless.

She has been forgiven much, thus she loves much.

I hope I never forget. That all the hard things in my life. All the times when I was crushed into such small pieces that I thought they would never come back together. All the times that things outside of my control pushed me over edges that I never wanted to traverse. And all the times that I chose those edges for myself. That no matter who I've been. No matter how I've failed. God, who is Holy, chooses to love me. With no help from me. Simply because He chooses to. Love not subjected to reasons. Not "I love you because...", but just "I love you."

The Greek word for sin means, literally, "to miss the mark."

The word for forgiven means that those times when you missed the mark are sent away from you. They are divorced from, abandoned, kept no longer.

And so we no longer live in them. Being a "sinner" isn't about wallowing in our own unworthiness. It's about understanding, as the woman in Luke 7 did, how much of our love Yeshua deserves.

Every bit.

He who is forgiven much, loves much.

And all I ever wanted in this world is that. To love.

If the last three years were what I needed to make my capacity for that greater, then I am grateful, even for them.

Forgiven = agape.

The Naked Romping

I haven't had time to write much (anything?) this week. And I'm truly sorry, as there's much on mind.

But I have had time to read.

And so here you have something truly amazing.

My gift and apology in the form of a link.

Publication Credits: Language Resources

I know my entries have been short as of late. I apologize.

Moving + new job + Re-Defined Denver = a lot on my plate.

I'm loving every moment though. Loving every moment.

And for now, I wanted to share that the December writing project is partially published. If you'd like to see it, visit EduFire's new language website & blog at the below links.

Italian For Dummies

Practice Makes Perfect

Living Language Software

Cheers to the continued publication. You all know how much I love writing. And content. And the WWW. (And my new job).

Yours,

Gigi

Ping Pong, Health Food, & Snow

Every day I fall more in love. More in love with Denver. The cold, snowy, perfect city. More in love with the people here--with their health food and jeans and hellos on the street. More in love with my new job--with its creative team and ping pong and yoga during work hours. More in love with my decision to move out here.

This puzzle is finally revealing part of its picture.

And I love it.

Sigh of Contentment

I'm moving into my new home this weekend. With Emily. Who is Amazing.

I feel endlessly grateful. The puzzle starts to fall together.

And now to my hard work, my proving myself to my new job, my settling settling settling into Denver.

One of Those OnGoing Things

Normally I would be too snobbish to participate in chain blogging type things, but I am a fan of this one. So there you have it.

Leave me your name and...

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll answer a question you've always wondered about me (which you should leave with your name).
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST!

Totally Straight

On New Year's Eve three of us (HB, ED, & me) went out on the town to celebrate--as you would expect. We ate Italian food, drank Italian sparkling wine (don't you dare call that champagne), and then went to the Mercury Cafe for some live music and swing dance goodness.

After some time spent chatting, teaching them some dance moves, dancing with strangers, and drinking another aquaintance of ours called and said she was coming out. She had been at a party up north and was sorely disappointed at the lack of single men to smooch her at midnight. So, in the hopes that the swing dance venue wouldn't be such slim pickings, she headed out to us.

Shortly after she arrived I was out on the dance floor getting my groove on with a nice blonde boy and being asked how I could possibly dance in those heels. Pain and beauty. Beauty and pain. Really they aren't that bad though.

While I was dancing, our Aquaintance was telling a story. HB had been talking about her camera. Saying the batteries were dying. And, speaking of dying batteries, because clearly this story fits into their conversation, Aquaintance launched into a story that began with a disclaimer.

"So, I'm totally straight, right," she began. "But this one time..."

And on she went to describe the time when she tried to have sex with another girl. But the other girl started it, so it doesn't count for Aquaintance's sexuality right? She went on to say that the other girl had really "beautiful breasts" but they didn't have sex, cause Aquaintance is totally straight.

When she finished the story HB  could only nod.  On one hand there's admiration for forthrightness, yes? On another hand: wow.

But it gets better. Because New Year's Eve couldn't be a part of my crazy life unless the craziness bled over onto me.

Aquaintance wanted a picture, so she borrowed some New Year hats from drunk boys at another table. We all donned them and put our arms around each other. I was standing next to Aquaintance and she reached around me as if to put her hand on my waist, but instead she grabbed my boob and gave it a good squeeze.

"Don't be fresh" I said, thinking that it was just another of her idiosyncrasies, which display themselves ever more each time we hang out.

I didn't hear the other story until later.

And I can only conclude that my life will continue its ridiculous course into the New Year.

I mean, who else do you know who was groped by a totally straight girl on New Year's Eve?